Alternatives to Spanking

As child psychologists, we’re often asked whether “old school” parenting methods like yelling or spanking are truly the best ways to manage behavior. It’s a fair question—many of us grew up with these approaches, and it’s natural to want to stop challenging behaviors quickly. After all, every parent wants to raise kind, responsible, resilient kids. 

In this blog, we’re going to dive into some of the nuances within the research on yelling and spanking.  But first, here’s something important to keep in mind: much of the research doesn’t always differentiate between parents who use yelling or spanking as their go-to discipline strategy from parents who primarily use positive parenting tools but occasionally lose their cool or resort to spanking when they feel out of options. If you fall into that second group, please remember this—none of us are perfect parents. There will be moments when you look back and wish you had handled a situation differently. And that’s okay! It just means you care about doing your best and are willing to learn and grow. This blog is here to help you feel more confident in those challenging moments, with tools and strategies that work better in the long run.

One of the main takeaways we want you to have from this post is that *how* you discipline is much more important than exactly *what* discipline technique you use. If you want to jump ahead, scroll to where we talk about the "5 C's" (purple graph) a little further down in this blog.

So, let's get to it and answer some common questions we hear about spanking and yelling:

Why Does Yelling or Spanking Seem So Effective in the Moment?

When your child is acting out, it’s incredibly frustrating. Whether they are ignoring you, talking back, or refusing to listen, yelling or spanking can feel like the quickest way to stop the behavior.

And, yes, these strategies may actually be the quickest way to stop a behavior, and often works in the short-term. Yelling or spanking often startles a child into stopping immediately. But here’s the problem: these methods don’t teach your child what to do differently next time.

Spanking, for example, might lead to compliance in the moment, but research shows that this immediate compliance often stems from fear or shock, not understanding. Long-term studies, like the landmark 2002 research by Gershoff, show that while spanking might create temporary obedience, it’s also linked to increased aggression, defiance, and mental health challenges over time, and is not linked to long-term positive behavioral change.

So, although having strategies to immediately stop your child's challenging behavior is important, what is more important is teaching them what to do instead and promoting long-term behavioral changes. Research does not indicate that spanking or yelling, when used as primary discipline strategies, are useful for long-term behavioral changes. Calm, instructive discipline is far more effective at helping kids internalize positive behaviors and follow them consistently.

But Don’t Yelling and Spanking Prepare Kids for the “Real World”?

One of the most common arguments we hear is: “I’m just trying to prepare my child for the real world. They need to learn how to handle discipline now so they can deal with a hard boss or tough situations later.”

While this comes from a good place, research suggests the opposite. Studies show that children exposed to frequent yelling or physical punishment often struggle more as adults. They’re more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and even substance abuse. Many describe their upbringing as “stressful,” which impacts their ability to handle conflict and cope with challenges.

Instead of building resilience, harsh discipline can erode it. These kids may normalize yelling or aggression as acceptable ways to resolve conflict, which can lead to unhealthy relationships and poor coping skills. What would you do if your boss yelled at or tried to hit you? Hopefully you wouldn't crumple under the pressure. But also, hopefully, you will take proper and assertive steps to ensure you are being treated fairly. Bottom line: we don’t want our kids to think that a boss or significant other yelling at or hitting them is normal.

The truth is, there are better ways to prepare your child for the challenges of adulthood—ways that don’t involve fear or harshness but instead teach respect, problem-solving, and emotional regulation.

What Are the Risks of Harsher Parenting Strategies?

You might be wondering, "Okay, but what’s the real risk here?" Research consistently shows that when spanking and yelling are parents' go-to parenting strategy (of note, many of these studies don't differentiate parents who use spanking as a primary strategy from parents who only occasionally use it as a supportive strategy), it leads to long-term negative effects on children’s mental health and behavior. More specifically, harsh parenting strategies can lead to:

1. Aggression and Defiance: Studies show that children who are spanked regularly tend to become more aggressive and defiant over time. In fact, they are more likely to engage in bullying, antisocial behavior, and even criminal activity as adults.
2. Weakened Parent-Child Relationship: When kids are frequently yelled at or physically punished, they can start to fear their parents. This fear can weaken the bond of trust and safety between you and your child, which is crucial for their emotional development. Without that trust, it’s harder for kids to regulate their emotions or develop healthy relationships outside the family.
3. Cognitive Development Delays: Physical punishment doesn’t just hurt a child’s emotional well-being—it can also impact their cognitive development. Chronic stress from spanking can actually slow down a child’s brain development, making it harder for them to learn problem-solving skills and regulate their emotions.
4. Confusing Signals: Another risk of using yelling as a go-to discipline strategy is that kids no longer distinguish between our tones when we are disciplining them and when there is a true danger. So, will I yell at my child if they are running towards a busy street? You betcha! Will I yell if my older kid is about to slam a heavy toy on top of my infant’s head (and I can’t physically get there). Absolutely! It’s important that our kids can tell the difference between “Please stop doing that” and “You are in danger; stop now” so that they will actually listen to our serious tone.

What About “Biblical Spanking”?

For some parents, spanking is tied to religious beliefs. You may have heard the verse, “He who spares the rod hates his son” (Proverbs 13:24), and interpreted it as support for physical punishment. But many biblical scholars argue that the “rod” in these verses is symbolic of guidance and authority, not physical punishment. When you look at the Bible as a whole, its messages about love, compassion, and patience are far more aligned with nurturing parenting than with punishing children.

In fact, many Christian parenting experts now emphasize discipline that teaches, nurtures, and models patience and understanding, rather than using physical punishment to enforce compliance.

Can Spanking Ever Be Useful?

Recent research by Dr. Larzelere from Oklahoma State University suggests that when spanking is used rarely—and only as a minor parenting strategy in support of other tools —it might not be as harmful as previously thought. This study examined spanking as a “back-up” strategy to reinforce other methods, like time-outs, with the goal of phasing it out entirely.

Here’s what the research found:

• For children ages 2-6, occasional spanking might lead to slight improvements in behavior.
• For children 8 and older, spanking doesn’t work and is linked to worse outcomes.

Even in this study, spanking was shown to have limited benefits and should only ever be a small part of a larger, positive discipline plan.

The takeaway: If you choose to spank, keep it calm, rare, and never your first option. Always focus on teaching your child what they should do instead

As child psychologists, knowing this research, would we ever recommend spanking to the families with which we work?: No. Research shows that the benefits of spanking are minimal and isolated. Although there may be some parents who can use spanking, as described above, well and effectively, we can't predict which parents can calmly use it as an additive tool to their parenting toolbox, and which parents cannot stay calm and collected enough to use it effectively. In our opinions, the risks far outweigh the benefits, and, there are better, more effective strategies (discussed subsequently), that don't come with the risks of spanking. 

So, What Can You Do Instead?

The good news is that there are many effective, research-backed alternatives to yelling and spanking that can help your child learn what to do instead of misbehaving—without the emotional toll that sometimes accompanies spanking or yelling.

Before we get into specific types of consequences or discipline techniques, let's talk about the "how." How you discipline—your tone, energy, and consistency—are often more important than the specific tool you use to discipline. When disciplining, remember to follow the “5 C's” to consequences. Consequences:

1. Are given Calmly

Before responding to our children, we need to make sure everyone is calm. In the heat of the moment, we do not always respond well. It is okay to take time and respond to the issue later, once you are calm.

2. Are Clearly Communicated

Children need to know what is expected. The best way to achieve this is to communicate BEFORE a problem arises. Explain what behavior we expect in the grocery store or how they need to finish homework before they can play. We also need to communicate what our children can expect if they make different choices.

3. Are Consistent

As parents, we need to be consistent. Our children should be able to rely on us to consistently respond to their behavior and have consistent reactions, not huge swings in being permissive and then exploding. Consistency is also important between caregivers.

4. Are Connected to the behavior

The response to our children's behavior should be directly connected to the behavior. For example, if they don't wear their helmet, they can't ride their bike. Or, if they hit their sister, they should repair the relationship, (not get technology taken away).

5. Can be Carried Out

However you decide to respond, you need to carry out what you have said. This allows your child to trust your word and honesty. Your child needs to know that you mean what you say. This is why intentionality before giving consequences is so important.

Want to know more about this, plus learn 21 specific, effective consequences? Check out our free consequences guide, here:

 Once you've mastered the *how* then you can work on specific strategies.  A few notes: you may find that one tool works better with one of your children, but isn't that effective with another child. That's okay. You may have to stay flexible to what each child needs (while maintaining as much consistency as possible). Also, we can't stress the 5 Cs above enough. Let's say your child wants to go outside, and it's a little chilly, but, they don't want to wear a coat. You want to use a "natural consequence" strategy. If you are following the "5 C's" you may say, "Okay, you can go outside, but, you may feel a little cold. I'll leave your jacket right here in case you want to come back in and get it." With that method, your child is going to learn lots of great things like: how to self regulate, how to fix their own mistake, and that mom was actually correct about being chilly (and consequently, maybe they should listen to mom next time!). But....what if you allow your child to experience a natural consequence without following the "5 C's."? This may sound like you saying, "See, you are clearly cold! I told you you needed to wear a coat! Why don't you ever listen to me!? I'm so sick of you being stubborn all the time!" This will undo a lot of the built-in benefits that natural consequences provide, plus, if this is regularly how you handle consequences, will add in a shame and embarrassment element that will lead to the negative impacts of yelling and spanking that we've already discussed. 

So, let's get to it: All of the following are helpful tools you can use when disciplining or correcting your child's behavior (as long as you are following those "5 Cs" above!).

1. Teach What You Want Your Child to Do (Instead of Focusing Only on What They Shouldn’t Do): When your child misbehaves, the goal isn’t just to stop the bad behavior. It’s to teach them the behavior you want to see! Instead of focusing only on punishing them, try using those moments as a chance to guide them toward better choices. For example, if your child yells at you in frustration, instead of snapping back, teach them how to use their words calmly. This way, you're not just stopping the behavior—you’re teaching them how to act in the future.
2. Positive Reinforcement: Encouraging your child when they do something well works wonders! Research shows that kids are more likely to repeat behaviors when they’re positively reinforced. So praise your child for sharing, for using their words, or for doing something kind. The more they see the benefits of good behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it. We have a blog on how to effectively use sticker charts. Read it here. 
3. Setting Clear Boundaries: Kids thrive when they understand the rules and what’s expected of them. When you set clear, consistent boundaries—and stick to them—your child will feel more secure and know what to expect. Consistency helps kids self-regulate and make better decisions.
4. Natural Consequences: Sometimes, the best teacher is simply letting your child experience the natural consequences of their actions. If your child refuses to wear their coat on a chilly day, they’ll feel cold. No yelling necessary! This kind of learning can be far more impactful than any punishment.
5. Modeling Respectful Communication: Kids learn by watching us. If we model calm, respectful communication, especially in moments of frustration, they’re more likely to handle conflicts in healthy ways too. By staying calm and using respectful language, you’re teaching them how to manage their emotions and communicate effectively. This is also an argument against spanking and yelling as discipline tools. Children model, and do, what their parents do. So, if we don't want them to yell or hit when upset, let's not use yelling and spanking as discipline strategies.
6. Time-Ins or Time-Outs: Time-ins involve sitting with your child to talk through their feelings and actions, helping them understand what went wrong without feeling isolated. Time-outs involve having the child sit out, for a predesignated amount of time. We have a video that describes the difference between the two, and how to use them. Watch it here.

Final Thoughts:

We get it—when your child is acting out, your first instinct might be to yell or spank. It comes from a place of love and wanting them to grow into good, responsible people. But here’s the thing: research shows that yelling and spanking have minimal if any, positive effects, and they’re linked to plenty of negative outcomes, like increased aggression and struggles with emotional regulation.

So why stick with something that doesn’t work—and could even cause harm? The good news is, with a few subtle shifts in how you respond (instead of react), you can correct your child’s behavior in ways that are effective and nurturing. By being a bit more intentional, you can guide your child to make better choices without yelling or spanking.

Focus on teaching, setting clear boundaries, reinforcing positive behaviors, and modeling the respectful communication you want to see. These strategies help your child grow into someone who is not only well-behaved but also emotionally strong, confident, and ready to take on life’s challenges.

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Citations:

 Smith, M. E. & Mosby, G. (2003). The impact of spanking on children's behavior problems: Is it effective? Child Abuse & Neglect.

Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin.

Afifi, T. O., Mota, N. P., Dasiewicz, P., MacMillan, H. L., & Sareen, J. (2012). Physical punishment and mental disorders: Results from a nationally representative US sample. Pediatrics.

Lansford, J. E., et al. (2005). Physical discipline and children’s adjustment: Cultural normativeness as a moderator. Child Development.

Larzelere et al (2024). Resolving the contradictory conclusions from three reviews of controlel dlongitudinal studies of physical punishment: A meta-analysis. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01494929.2024.2392672#d1e183

Straus, M. A. & Paschall, M. J. (2009). Corporal punishment by mothers and development of children's cognitive ability: A longitudinal study of two nationally representative age cohorts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma.

Berlin, L. J., Ispa, J. M., Fine, M. A., et al. (2009). Correlates and consequences of spanking and verbal punishment for low-income white, African American, and Mexican American toddlers. Child Development.

Sneed, R. (2018). Christian parenting and discipline: The real meaning behind "spare the rod." Parenting Today.

Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent management training: Treatment for oppositional, aggressive, and antisocial behavior in children and adolescents. Oxford University Press.

Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child's developing mind. Bantam Books.

Bailey, R. (2019). Boundaries with kids: How to guide children to make better choices. HarperCollins.

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Atria Books.

Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2012). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. Scribner.