Understanding and Nurturing Self-Worth and Self-esteem

As parents, we all want our children to grow into confident, resilient individuals.  Key to this development are self-worth and self-esteem, two interconnected yet distinct concepts that often get confused.  This blog post will clarify the difference and offer practical, research-backed strategies to help you foster these crucial qualities in your child.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: What's the Difference?

Think of it this way: Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves – our judgment of our own value based on our perceived abilities and accomplishments. It's often influenced by external factors like praise, achievements, and social comparison.  A child with high self-esteem might say, "I'm good at drawing." A teen's self-esteem is often tied to their appearance, academic performance, social status, and perceived talents.  It can fluctuate based on external validation and social comparison, which are particularly prevalent during adolescence. It is because of self-esteem often being based on abilities and accomplishments which make it less desirable than self-worth.

Self-worth, on the other hand, is a deeper, more intrinsic sense of inherent value. It's the belief that we are worthy of love and belonging, regardless of our achievements or external validation. A child with strong self-worth might say, "I am lovable even when I make mistakes."

While self-esteem is important, self-worth is the foundation upon which true confidence and resilience are built.  A child with strong self-worth can weather setbacks and criticism because their sense of value isn't contingent on external factors. A strong self-worth provides a buffer against the pressures and challenges of adolescence.  It allows teens to navigate peer pressure, social media comparisons, and academic setbacks without losing sight of their inherent value.

Why is self-worth so important?

When individuals have a strong sense of self-worth, this is associated with better long-term mental health and less anxiety and depression. Self-worth also leads to better relationships as these individuals can maintain appropriate boundaries and are less influenced by others, this includes friendships and romantic relationships. When more self-assured, kids tend to be more helpful to others.  There is even a link between higher self-worth and better academic performance.

Nurturing Self-Worth and Self-Esteem: Evidence-Based Strategies

Here are some specific examples, grounded in research, of how to cultivate both self-worth and self-esteem in your children:

1. Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Research:  Studies consistently show that children who feel unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents develop a stronger sense of self-worth. This doesn't mean ignoring bad behavior, but rather addressing it while reaffirming your love for the child. Parents can maintain strong boundaries and limitations within the context of a loving relationship.

Example:  Instead of saying, "I can’t believe you hit your sister! Why can’t you ever listen!” Try, "Hitting hurts. I know you're a good kid, and sometimes we make mistakes. I don't want you to hurt anyone. Let's find a better way to express your anger."

For teenagers: Instead of saying, "You're so irresponsible for failing that test," try, "I'm disappointed about the test result, but I know you're capable and I still love you. Let's talk about what happened and how we can approach things differently next time.  What kind of support do you think you need?" 

These examples acknowledge the mistake without labeling the child as “bad” and opens the door for a constructive conversation about how to move forward.  It reinforces your love and belief in their abilities despite the setback.

2. Encourage Autonomy and Independence:

Research: Allowing children age-appropriate choices and responsibilities fosters their sense of competence and self-efficacy, contributing to healthy self-esteem. Adolescence is a time of identity formation.  Respecting your teen's individuality, opinions, and growing need for autonomy fosters their sense of self and strengthens their self-worth.

Example: For kids - Let your child choose their clothes, pack their lunch (with guidance), or help with age-appropriate chores.  This shows them you trust their capabilities.

For teens - Involve your teen in decision-making processes that affect them.  Encourage them to explore their interests and express their opinions, even if they differ from your own, if they align with their well-being and rules for your home. We are NOT suggesting allowing them to have full control, but to be able to discuss rules. For example, allowing them to discuss why they should have a 30 minute later curfew.

3. Focus on Effort and Process, Not Just Outcomes:

Research: Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset emphasizes praising effort and perseverance over innate ability. This helps children develop a belief in their ability to learn and grow, boosting their self-esteem and resilience. Allowing teens to take calculated risks and learn from their mistakes builds resilience and strengthens their belief in their ability to overcome challenges.  Encouraging a growth mindset helps children and teens believe that their abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance, fostering resilience and a positive sense of self. They also understand that it is normal to make mistakes and handle the disappointment.

Example: Instead of saying, "You're so smart!" try, "I can see how hard you worked on that math problem. You kept trying even when it was challenging, and that's fantastic!"

For teens - Support your teen in trying new activities, even if they might fail.  Help them reframe mistakes as learning opportunities and focus on the lessons learned.

4. Provide Opportunities for Meaningful Contribution:

Research:  Contributing to the family or community helps children feel valued and fosters a sense of belonging, strengthening their self-worth. There is a strong tie between volunteering and greater self-worth, better contentment, and more gratitude.

Example: Involve your child in family chores, volunteer activities, or community projects. Even small contributions can make a big difference. Kids learn valuable skills from each of these! Daily chores help a child feel accomplished and part of the family team (yes, this is true even when they complain about them!). Volunteering helps a child’s perspective and allows them to think about bigger things outside of themselves. This is particularly important for teenagers who are at a time when they are constantly comparing themselves to others.

5. Teach Emotional Intelligence:

Research: Children who can understand and manage their emotions are better equipped to navigate challenges and build healthy relationships, which contributes to both self-esteem and self-worth. Your child needs to understand that they will experience negative emotions (sadness, jealousy, anxiety, etc.) and those feelings will fade away!

Example: Help your child label their emotions, discuss healthy ways to cope with difficult feelings, and model emotional regulation yourself.

6. Foster Open Communication and Active Listening:

Research:  Creating a safe space for open communication and actively listening to your child's concerns validates their feelings and strengthens the parent-child bond, contributing to their sense of belonging and self-worth. Friends wax and wane over time and your child’s peers may not give the best advice. We want our children to come to us with their problems, even if they know it may mean a consequence, because they know their parents will support them, love them, and help them work through it.

Example:  Set aside dedicated time to talk with your child without distractions.  Listen empathetically and avoid judgment or interrupting. You can give advice, but also try to allow your child to think through the situation and generate some different ways to respond. For example, if they have conflict with a friend, they need to decide if it needs a response at all, how to address it (text, phone call, in person), and how to appropriately share their feelings without starting to criticize their friend.

7. Limit Comparisons and Competition:

Research:  Constant comparison with others can erode self-esteem and create a sense of inadequacy.  Focus on your child's individual progress and strengths.

Example: Avoid comparing your child to siblings, friends, or classmates.  Celebrate their unique talents and achievements. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and both offer great opportunities. Strengths let us feel accomplished and motivated to working hard. Weaknesses help us find humbleness and grace to ask for support.

8. Navigate Social Media and Peer Pressure

Research:  Social media can significantly impact an individual's self-esteem.  There is quite a bit of research and the surgeon general has written a public document outlining its link to increased mental health issues. Our best suggestion is to DELAY as long as possible. In our opinion that means AFTER middle school. The brains of children and teens are not fully developed and highly impressionable. Research is reflecting that our kids brains are being permanently impacted by social media.

If that ship has already sailed, and you have allowed social media, you can take it away! Social media is a privilege, not a right. However, if you allow your child and teen to have it, you need to take time to  help them develop critical thinking skills and navigate the pressures of online social comparison. They need to understand that what they see is likely altered, has a filter, and may not even be real. They also need to have had discussions about pornography, online predators, chat rooms, and online etiquette.

Example:  Discuss the unrealistic portrayals often found on social media.  Encourage them to focus on real-life connections and cultivate a positive online presence. Have them reflect on how they feel after being on social media versus how they feel after hanging out with friends in person.

By implementing these strategies, you can create a nurturing environment that helps your child develop a strong sense of self-worth and healthy self-esteem, setting them up for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and happiness.

~Dr. Jordana and Dr. Erin